You've arrived just in time! You're here, so I assume you're wanting to better yourself and expand your mind -- and not through drugs, but through reading. I'm so excited for you! I'll do the best I can to help you buy your Dummy Book, and I'll be extra careful to use simple words and letters from the alphabet.

The first thing you have to do is decide on what you'd like to learn about. It's an important first step in choosing your Dummy Book. If you go into a store, secure in the knowledge that you already know what you'd like to learn about, it will give you a feeling of confidence. You'll be able to pick out a book in under fifteen minutes, lift it off the shelf with your right or left hand, walk over to the checkout stand, reach for your wallet, pull money out of your wallet, pay for the book, and then walk out, insert your key into the lock of your car, then into the ignition, then drive out of the parking lot, take a left turn, right turn, go straight for three miles, then another right turn, stopping when you see red lights, and continuing when you see green. Keep in mind these directions will not apply to everyone. If you're unsure of how to get home, ask a friend or a neighbor. There is also a book available to help you -- Yellow Lights for Dummies.

The second key factor in purchasing a Dummy Book is that it should match the subject you decided upon in step number one. If you're unsure of step number one, refer to the first paragraph, shown above. If you're not confident you can find it, simply start reading this article from the beginning and you will shortly find the answer you're looking for. After you have completed step one and are at the bookstore, look for a book with a word in the title that matches the word in your mind. For example, if you would like to learn about knitting, do not take the book Italian for Dummies. If you would like to learn personal financing, pick out Personal Financing for Dummies and not The Bible for Dummies. If you're having trouble reading the title, I strongly suggest looking for something with the letters E-N-G-L-I-S-H in the title.

The last thing to remember is also important: Make sure the book you're buying is a For Dummies book. Do not purchase Moby Dick, a Spider-Man comic book, or a coffee cup. I know this may all seem very confusing, but if you're still wallowing in self-doubt, don't be afraid to ask a trusted friend or family member for help.